Falling
by Irish Mice
Summary: "At no-one's fault but his own, Remus found himself wondering how much of the real Nymphadora Tonks was really sat in the room with him. He almost didn't recognise the woman sitting stonily behind him." - A brief encounter between Remus and Tonks set in HbP, where Remus manages to escape the camp for a difficult Order meeting.


A/N - Rated T for a mature reference and brief language. My first fic, so enjoy and please review!

Disclaimer - not my characters.

* * *

Remus opened the door of the Burrow quietly, making his way down to the kitchen where the Order meeting had begun to gather. He grimaced, all too aware of the state of his clothes and the mud streaked across them. He had been delayed at the camp and now instead of time to spare for a change of clothes and perhaps a shower, he had a shallow gash across his forehead and the unpleasant shakiness that often accompanied physical exertion and a simple lack of food. Molly would want to look at it before the meeting, and true to form, as he crossed into the kitchen she immediately ran across and pushed him into a chair. He smiled ruefully at her fussing, but couldn't help twisting briefly round in his seat to look around the room. Only Kingsley and Mad Eye were standing in the opposite corner.

Kingsley gave Remus his usual friendly smile but the look that Mad Eye shot him from across the room sent him a clear message. She wasn't there, and from the looks of it Mad Eye had something to say about it to him, none of it being particularly complimentary to himself. He couldn't hold the intensity of his gaze though, and his chest clenched guiltily. There was no disputing the feeling of relief as Molly blocked him from the protective glare.

 _Coward_

More members walked in to the kitchen and it seemed to Remus that the bustle of the Burrow hadn't changed in his absence although with Emmeline and Sirius missing, the pre-meeting chatter was more subdued than it had been in the past. There was a bubbly laugh and flash of smile missing too though, and he couldn't help asking Molly quietly as she leant over him, "Is she coming?"

 _Please, let her be here. Let me see her face. I haven't seen her smile in such a long time. Please._

Molly stepped back, lowering her wand, and regarded him gently for a moment.

"Honestly Remus," she replied haltingly, "I'm not so sure anymore."

He'd only seen her three times since he left. Three horribly awkward, painful greetings where she had come with Moody to check in with him and his face had burned in shame of his surroundings. He didn't look her in the eye once.

That had been months ago. Moody came alone now.

The implications of her words took a minute to settle in, but when they did, Remus felt the air around him seem to settle on his chest like lead. Closing his eyes, he allowed himself for a brief, brief moment to let the feeling resonate. This is what Molly and Arthur had been warning him about for months, why Alastor's glare grew more and more pronounced with each meeting. Tonks wasn't doing well in his absence. Merlin knew he didn't feel much better, but this was never meant to be a part of his plan. He despises the thought of her miserable, particularly on his behalf.

 _With the wireless in the background quietly playing christmas tunes, and the soft, drunken snoring of Sirius lying on the opposite sofa, Remus had never felt such a feeling of contentment. The crackling flames in the fireplace threw gentle golden light over Tonks' face. She sat curled in his lap, legs over his and leaning on the arm of the sofa while Remus sat with an arm close around her waist. He gently fingered soft pink curls, winding them around his fingers. The happy sigh that Tonks emitted mirrored his feeling exactly, and he couldn't help but lean over slightly and press gentle kisses along her cheekbone, making her giggle and shift wonderfully across his lap. She caught his face and brought his mouth to hers in a passionate kiss, and Remus couldn't help but release the mad grin that had been spiralling his insides as she laughed, eyes sparkling in the evening light._

Sod the clichés. The only way that Remus could express his feeling now would be an aching, physical loss of someone's presence who had once seemed as natural as one of his own limbs.

 _You did this_ , his subconscious reminds him unrelentingly. _This was your choice, and it's the right one_.

Taking a deep breath and opening his eyes, Remus pulled himself as best as he could away from the exhaustion that seemed to creep up on him more often than not these days. It was time for the meeting to begin.

* * *

Ten minutes into Kingsley's grave report on the goings on higher up in the Ministry, the door to the kitchen gently creaked open. Remus, soothed by the warmth of the room and the cup of tea in his hands, took a second to even notice the change.

"Ah Nymphadora," Albus announced happily. "I'm so glad you could join us."

At the mention of her name, Remus' head snapped up and immediately met her eyes over the table. She was already watching him, her eyes more clouded than he'd ever seen them before, even more than in the grief that surrounded Sirius' death and certainly more than the raw emotion that brimmed in them when Dumbledore announced that he would be leaving to track the werewolves.

 _Remus felt sick. He hadn't told her and Dumbledore was planning to announce his departure to the Order today. God he felt sick. The room felt too cold, and far too empty and the quiet voices of the arriving Order seemed to rattle around his head. He hadn't told her, he needed to tell her. She couldn't find out like this. As Tonks slipped into the chair beside him, hand immediately reaching out for his leg, Remus flushed guiltily. They had slept together that morning, after waking up quiet and warm and blissfully happy, wrapped in each other's arms. He had drawn out her pleasure carefully, every slow and gentle thrust he made had been coupled with an agonised internal apology._

" _Tonks, it's just - there's something i need to - "_

" _Won't it wait Remus? Work was manic this morning, and I'm shattered and the Dementors - " she shuddered._

" _This morning was the only vaguely pleasant thing that's happened to me today. Let's get the meeting done and then I promise I'm all yours."_

 _Remus stared at her, finally recognising the unusual lacklustre quality of her hair and dull eyes. She squeezed his thigh gently and in an unusual display of public affection, leant her head heavily on his shoulder. Remus let out a shuddering breath and nodded numbly. Dumbledore opened the door to the kitchen, with the rest of the Order filing in behind him. It was too late._

"I aim to please, Sir," Tonks replied quietly, eyes leaving Remus' and heading towards a spare chair at the back of the room. Her voice lacked the humour it would have held months ago. That it should have held.

Remus let his gaze drop to the table. He could feel the burning gazes of others around the table, the speculative stare of Molly and an impression of a blazing furnace in the corner that undoubtedly came from Mad Eye.

" _How long will he be gone for? How long will the mission last?"_

 _Molly's question broke the silence that had filled the room almost as soon as Dumbledore finished speaking. Remus couldn't look at Tonks, almost couldn't bear the weight of her utterly shocked gaze. Her hand had gone slack on his leg._

" _I'm afraid that it will simply be as long as it takes."_

The brief memory of that meeting makes his shoulders hunch with shame even now. He had meant to tell her beforehand, he truly had, but every time he had attempted to pull her aside in the days before the meeting she would simply smile that brilliant smile that she never seemed to be without and look at him as if he were the sun in the sky, and he just couldn't.

" _Get your stuff and get out of my flat Remus Lupin! How - how on earth - "_

" _Dora, no please - you have no idea how sorry I am. I can't apologise enough, please Dora, sweetheart, listen to me - "_

" _No!" Dora shouted, finally turning to face him. Her face was a stark white but tears fell down her cheeks rapidly. "You didn't even have the decency to warn me before hand, has this whole thing meant nothing to you at all?"_

How on earth do you tell the girl that reminded you daily that you're the reason for her happiness, who reminded you that you're human and the Gryffindor everyone expected you to be and oh so very loved, that you're leaving her behind in search of Fenrir Greyback, of all people. How can a man look at the girl he loves and tell her that he can't be with her anymore when all you can picture is a future that holds nothing but her.

He certainly couldn't.

 _Some Gryffindor indeed_.

The drop of her shoulders, her blazing, disbelieving stare and eventual slam of the kitchen door seem to be branded onto his brain. Remus Lupin was by no means a perfect man, but breaking Nymphadora Lupin's heart in front of a room full of colleagues, friends and family had been by far the worst thing that he'd ever done.

He had gone to her flat the next day, full of regret for his mistake and a deep, deep fear of what he knew he had to do next. She was furious, angrier than he had ever seen her before but her anger had quickly transformed into something much harder for him to stomach.

" _You told me you wouldn't leave me Remus! After Sirius - in the hospital - and I was in so much pain but you were there and you promised me Remus that you weren't going anywhere!"_

" _Do you think I wanted this?" Remus snapped. " I don't want to leave you Dora but I have to! I have to do this! Everyone - my friends - they've given everything - "_

" _You don't have to do this though! Dumbledore said you volunteered, I'm sure there's something else we can sort out, less intrusive or - "_

" _Dora, please don't."_

"You're choosing this Remus! How can you not want to fight for me!"

"If it's between you and the war Tonks, I'm going to choose the war every time!" Remus bellowed.

 _The momentary silence that followed was deafening._

" _This would be an error I simply cannot afford to make Dora."_

" _No! Don't you dare say that to me Remus because I know it's not true! How dare you tell me this would be a mistake when I know you love me just as much as I love you and god help me you know that even though you're pushing me so fucking far Remus, that I'm still going to be here waiting for you at the end of this! Because I love you!"_

Vaguely aware of Dumbledore passing the lead over to Hestia, he risked a glance down the table. Tonks was watching him from the corner of the room, eyes full of an incredible battle of emotion. She looked pale, dark shadows beneath her eyes that he recognised from days spent together in Grimmauld with her cramming guard shifts and nights and patrol shifts one after the other. Her hair fell over her shoulders in soft and dull brown waves but even with the lack of colour in her face and her hair she was so undoubtedly beautiful it made his heart hurt.

They regarded each other silently for a while, before Remus took a risk. Exhaling cautiously, he mouthed a greeting across the table. The reaction was instantaneous.

She snorted quietly, her mouth pressed into a hard, shaking line and as she turned her head away from his to the opposite wall he could catch the unmistakable glimmer of tears in her eyes.

The sharp glare she sent him seconds later forced Remus' blood cold and almost at once, Molly's words resonated in his head. At no-one's fault but his own, Remus found himself wondering how much of the real Nymphadora Tonks was really sat in the room with him. He almost didn't recognise the woman sitting stonily behind him.

" _I don't want you to be."_

 _Silence fell over the room instantly. Tonks froze in place, as she whipped around to face him. Remus' eyes stayed on the floor. He had to do this for her sake._

" _What did you say?"her voice was deathly quiet._

" _I don't want you to be there. When this is over. This is it for us."_

" _Remus, this is - "_

" _I'm sorry."_

 _Remus turned to go, he could hear Tonks fall heavily onto her couch. Her stunned silence followed him down the hallway._

One slow-moving hour later, the Order meeting drew to a close and out of the corner of his eye, Remus could see Tonks stand up quickly. With a brief nod to Mad Eye and Kingsley, and a half hearted smile to Molly, she opened the door to the Kitchen and left the room. After a split second of indecision, Remus quickly stood up, knocking his chair to the floor. A flurry of steps righted his chair, sent hurried farewells and half formed explanations to Molly and took him stumbling blindly in the direction that Tonks had just left in.

" _I can be anything you want me to be Remus. Anything at all. I'll change for you. I want to be enough."_

 _She'd followed him out as he reached the door of her flat, the smallness of her voice breaking his heart._

" _It's nothing you can do or change. This is how my odds have fallen Dora. This was a mistake on my behalf."_

 _He gave her one final farewell glance before turning and leaving her flat, shutting the door quietly behind him._

* * *

The garden behind the Burrow hadn't changed in the months gone by and the dusk lighting highlighted the figure of Tonks walking quickly towards the Apparition point. She was a good distance ahead of him, and without meaning to Remus heard himself call out her name desperately. She faltered but didn't stop, and he shouted again as he began to run towards her. He was only a metre or two away from her when she stopped suddenly, turned and raised her wand with a shaking hand so that as he skidded to a halt it trembled only inches from his chest.

"What do you want?" she asked him, voice tight with emotion but eyes rock hard.

 _I want you_

Remus made an effort to move towards her to place his hands on those thin, shaking shoulders but Tonks moved away deftly.

"Don't touch me." she said with a certainty that made Remus' heart seem to stop in place.

"I'm not yours to touch Remus. What do you want from me?"

 _Please Dora, I only want you._

He tried desperately to swallow the ball of emotion seemingly knotted in his throat and the words.

"Dora - I couldn't - I just - It's been so long ..."stumbled out. He swallowed.

"I couldn't not see you. It's been so long since I've - and i just couldn't not."

"You don't get to call me that anymore Remus." she replied stonily. "It's just Tonks."

 _You'll never be just Tonks to me_

Remus struggled for words, for anything to say to this ghost of a girl before him but she turned away swiftly. He lunged forwards in an effort to stop her and grabbed her arm. She froze immediately and slowly Remus ran his hand down her arm to gently clasp her cold fingers in his. Her face looked steadfastly away from him, but her fingers grasped his tightly as if afraid to let go. His thumb brushed her knuckles once, twice.

"I miss you Dora. I think about it and you every day and I miss you always and I just wish and I can't possibly apologise enough and - "

 _He was cold, with the light of the campfire highlighting jagged edges of shadows. He couldn't look into the flames without seeing ghosts of her face._

She let out a small murmur of distress and wrenched her hand free from his hold. Remus was left standing alone in the dark garden with hand dropped heavily down by his side. She almost ran towards the Apparition point, furiously wiping tears from her face.

 _It was quiet in the camp, with the sun rising over the tree line and Remus lay awake, aching with the sense of total, incomplete loss_.

Standing, shrouded by the dusk light and shadows from the garden she turned and looked at him.

"I am not yours to miss Remus," she said, looking at his face with those dull, desperately painful eyes.

" _How about Lupin's bird then boys?" Greyback's mocking voice cut through the rowdy crowd of werewolves around the pit. "Pretty little thing isn't she?" he leered, and Remus had to clench his fists in his pockets to restrain himself from throwing himself recklessly at the monster in front of him._

"You don't own me or have a say in my life any more at your own choice and decision and lord knows why I'm even talking to you right now because you sure as hell don't deserve it. You lost the privilege to call me yours when you so publicly - and you didn't even - i - "

" _Lord knows I wouldn't mind a go with her, boys," Greyback cackled, The other werewolves around him laughed with glee, eyes glinting at the Greyback's suggestion. "Maybe I'll have a go with here once Lupin's done. Pretty little bitch like that deserves to have a real man show her how it should be done."_

Tonks' words faltered, the fire that had finally emerged from the shadows of her eyes dimming. She quickly pulled herself together though, so that even as Remus let out an agonised plea, she stood tall again.

" _She's probably out there shagging another man as we speak. What a slut. God I can't wait to get my hands on her."_

"I am not yours. I'm my own person Remus and I can't keep going if you keep treating me like something you can string along."

 _You'll never get anywhere near her you bastard._

"Say something different Remus," Tonks' voice was quiet. "Say something new and let me forgive you."

 _He would rather die than let Fenrir get within 3 feet of her._

His silence filled every possible corner of the garden. It was suffocating.

 _It wasn't even a choice._

Shrugging sadly, Nymphadora Tonks turned quietly and disappeared into the night with a sharp crack. Remus was simply left alone in the garden without a single reminder of those happy times of shared tea and laughter in the dimly lit kitchen of Grimmauld Place, or even the soft glow of the precious weeks spent next to Tonks in her apartment.

Instead he was forced to walk heavily back into the Burrow, his head full of the idea that the girl who without a shadow of a doubt held his heart in her hands seemed to be falling further from him with every passing day.


End file.
